Saturday, March 10, 2012

But what is that?

There's that great saying, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and I've never really understood it.
Some say that a mid-term exam is small stuff - but that exam will determine if I pass the class. Passing the class is required to get the degree. The degree is required to get the career. And the career is essential. So, I think that mid-term just might be important.

But then you wonder where the line is of big stuff and small stuff and when you should start sweating.

How exactly do you seize every minute of life? How exactly do you really look at life and see it? How do you really begin to live life? A friend and I have attempted to discuss this recently. We aren't really sure why or how to change it - but we feel antsy, unsettled, eager for 'life' to begin. But how do we make that happen? What should we do? My life feels so sedentary, so predictable, so - for lack of a better word - boring. I need to spice things up. I need to change things. I need to do SOMETHING with my life.... But I haven't figured out what to do. Whatever it is, I want to do it NOW. But haven't figured out what to do....

But back to the small stuff.... where is that line? What big stuff can I 'sweat' about? What little stuff shouldn't I sweat about?

When do you 'sweat'?

You decide. No, YOU decide. No, really, YOU!!

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I SUCK at decision making. I'm probably a text-book example of anxiety and panic attacks when it comes to certain things. I'm not sure what the trigger is, but there are some things that I just cannot - absolutely cannot - decide on. It's usually the simpler things. And I figure that's mostly because they are irrelevant to life. What to have for dinner? Doesn't matter, isn't going to affect me after it's eaten (usually). What movie to watch? I enjoy all movies. I will sometimes flat out refuse to make those silly decisions. And that has been a problem between me and friends/lovers/relatives in many situations. "Just make a decision!" But it really, truly does not make a difference to me and being forced to be the one to make the decision will actually start to stress me out. Weird, I know.

When it comes to bigger decisions in life - well, I suck at that too. But that's because there are so many options. There's so many things to choose and decide on. A lot of times I don't even know where to begin. Other times it's because I don't know which one would be best for later. These things are so hard. I hate decision making. I also hate that decisions I make, and feel good about them, turn out to bite me in the ass. And usually the bite hurts pretty bad too!

I suppose everyone has a hard time with decisions. But give me a break, please?! Just decide on what movie and where you want to eat. You decide what to do for the nite, who should drive, and what time we should meet. It really will be okay, and I really don't have a preference. If I did, you would know. I'm not afraid to speak up if I know what I want...... Oh - maybe that's the problem.

Maybe the real problem is that I just don't know what I want. The majority of the time. Ha! A movie once said (paraphrasing)-
Male: "What is it that you girls want?"
Female: "Promise to not tell anyone I told you? It's a big secret."
M: "I promise. What is it?"
F: "We have no idea what we want."
And that's the real problem. At least with the bigger decisions in life for me. I don't know what I want for dinner, but it doesn't matter. I don't know what I ultimately want in life either, and thus it makes decisions pretty damn difficult.
I suppose I have ideas of what I want - but how to go about it, how to make it reality, and wondering if it's even possible to do that..... I just don't know.

So - why don't YOU decide for me???