It Won't Go Away

I always get into this unsettled mood.
A mood that keeps me antsy, on edge, and unsatisfied.

It usually goes away after a weekend of fun or a day of getting things accomplished. Sometimes it sticks around for a couple weeks.

But for some reason this feeling won't go away this time. It's been ... probably over a month.
I can't figure out what to do. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that I want and what will satisfy me.

I think I need a major life change.
I think I need to do something different.
I think I need to change my lifestyle up a bit.
I think I need to have a different scenery.
I think I need to leave.
I think I need to travel.
I think I need to do something!!!

And hopefully I can figure it out soon so I can start to make plans to make it happen. I have lots of ideas, plans, dreams, goals... Why can't I just pick one and DO IT?!?!
Because life is never that simple.

My Tongue

has made more appearances in pictures than any other part of my body.
I just feel as though smiling for every picture tends to look the same. So I try to make some sort of different facial expression.
I've tried the kissy face thing, but it never quite turns out right. Definitely need bigger lips for that one. I will spare you the picture of what really just looks like I'm making a 'sour patch kids' facial expression.
But in all occasions and all places - my tongue sticks out.
Eh - it's better than the same boring smile all the time. I'm even lucky enough to have other people join me. I'm not the only one that sticks out my tongue now.

I guess I do rub off on some people - maybe it should be a good trait, not just a bad tongue habit.
This is not just a recent thing I've been doing. I've done this trademark for YEARS!
Sometimes other people stick out their tongues in pictures, and I just smile. There are times when I'm asked why I didn't stick my tongue out.
But most of the time I get the comment, "There's that tongue again."
And I have a friend that just swears a bird is going to poop on it someday... I dunno about that one.
I like to smile - and I do it often. But sometimes it's nice to have a different look in pictures. Don't worry - I smile, I frown, I kissy-face, I stick out my tongue, and I do all sorts of different expressions in photos. I try not to have the same, old boring look. Otherwise who could tell whether or not it was all taken the same day, except my hair color might change.


Sometimes I have people say, "Keep that thing in your mouth."
My thought: At least it's not in someone else's mouth.

Another Dating Possibility...

Although he only exists in my dreams.

Literally.

Last nite was another dream-filled nite. When don't I have that??

This guy was... pretty good looking. I know what I felt in my dream toward him. The strange thing was, I had just met him. Or in the dream.
Basically - I was visiting a good friend (altho it looked like my sister's childhood friend)and that was apparently her brother. For some reason I had never met him before. And we were at school - but it wasn't quite high school, yet seemed like it.
To spare you all the details - he was pretty fun, cute, and doesn't exist in real life... haha!!

I wonder where I come up with these ideas and the faces of people I dream. I really wonder....

Dreams - Will they ever go away?

I've had some pretty crazy dreams lately.
Luckily - one nite so far this week I don't remember the dreams I had. I know I had them, but I didn't wake up going "Omigosh. What was I dreaming!?!?" And that's a good thing.

There was a nite last week that I got a call from a good friend's sister saying so-n-so had died. At first I thought she said it was my friend. But then it was really their sister. It was heart-wrenching and I was crying. Turned out later in the dream that she had not died, but that she was going to die... Or something strange, because she never died, but just the thought was awful. Granted I'm not close with the sister, nor even the friend so much anymore, but it was still a TERRIBLE dream. I woke up wanting to call my friend to make sure his sister was okay....but I didn't.

Last nite I dreamt about an old crush. Now - this wasn't just any crush. This guy I had planned on marrying someday. I was 'in love' with him. He was awesome, his family was awesome, and I just knew we would get married when he got home from his mission. Shoot - I even moved to Utah so that we could date without the long distance (since long distance was what we had all through junior high/high school). But obviously, since I'm still VERY single, things didn't work out.... And maybe it was for the better because I'm not sure if marrying at 18/19 and living in Utah would've been good for me.
The dream was actually quite nice though. It was about him and the fact that he was back in my life. He just randomly showed up. Strange. Apparently he was no longer married and things were fun, light-hearted, and entertaining. I don't remember all the details. But I do remember that I was shy, flirty, and cute. Sort of the way I was once upon a LONG time ago.
The funny thing about the dream is that he was much more attractive than I remember him being...
And I mean, MUCH more....
It was him, in a sense, but it was someone totally different too. Maybe it's someone that I'll meet someday, or maybe it's just the good memories I have of the times he and I spent together. Or maybe it was just so I had a pleasant dream instead of a horrifying, heart-wrenching, emotionally traumatic dream - which is what I have more of than anything else....

Strange how dreams are. I wonder if my dreams really mean anything? I wonder if they are telling me something, or if it's just my over-active imagination working against me?? Psychology - one of my favorite subjects - tells me it would mean something. But do I really believe that? I'm not sure...
If they do mean something, then I can't imagine the bad dreams meaning anything good.
Oh heavens...

It's time to Fall again...

Fall.
Autumn.
Whatever you want to call it - it's that time of year again.

And as I say every year - I fall in love in the fall.
This year is a bit different, of course.
But I still fall in love all over again.

I fall in love with:

Colorful trees
Crisp, Cool air
Pumpkins
Freshly sharpened pencils
Halloween costumes
School supplies
Corn Mazes
Spiced Apple Cider
Cornucopias
Wearing sweaters
Holidays creeping closer
And so many other things . . .

I just don't know what it is, but there is something about the Autumn season that just makes me want to smile. Something in the air that changes my mood, my mind-set, my attitude. Something in the air that signals change - the end of summer, but the beginning of a whole new adventure.
It makes me want to put on some comfy shoes, a light sweater, call up that friend and just go outside. Enjoy the bright colored leaves, the cool air that fills your lungs, and just the calmness that comes from walking along a leaf strewn path that seems to silence your footsteps.
Although - fall here isn't really all that cool, which is a sad thing. But perhaps I will go up north and visit some places that have those gorgeous trees and the cool air. Mmmm... yes. That's the next slightly big trip I will be taking. Perhaps for my birthday... That sounds like a great plan!

And hopefully this year, I'll truly fall in love in the fall . . .

Drive an hour for... A Dance?!?!??

Yes, it's true. We did....

I was doing it more for the support the branch there needed - as they always come to ours and I'm friends with the ones who were planning the dance.
So I went, dressed up (although very few people were) and actually had a great time.

It has been awhile since I've just been strangely hyper and crazy. And trust me, I was. I'm sure anyone there could vouch for that. I was all over the place, dancing like a complete idiot (although that's not unusual) and was talking a LOT. I tend to talk a lot when I'm hyper like that. Just ramblings that can be entertaining, although sometimes stupid.

I've also realized that I actually am much less self-conscious, or at least show it a lot less, when I'm in that kind of mood. Too bad there isn't a way to just switch that mood on. I'm not sure what triggered it.

Maybe it was the Sonic Strawberry-Lime slush I had. If so, it's totally worth it to pay $1.99 everytime just to get that mood more often.

Maybe it was that if I didn't act like that, I would've had a horrible time.

Maybe it was because I'm just giving up.

Maybe I have no reasonable explanation for it, but it doesn't matter because it was entertaining - for me if no one else.

It got me through the nite and I enjoyed it. The majority of the time it was great, although at times I wanted to scream. Haha!

Glad I went, hope others had fun, and perhaps we should do costume events more often. Halloween is great, but why can't we be in costume more times throughout the year and have more people participate??

Anyone up for a costume party in April??

Rent

No - not the money you pay to your landlord, but the play/movie.

For some reason ever since I saw this movie, I've loved it. I am not sure why because it's sad and it's depressing, but I love it anyway.

One of the things I love about it is the apartment/warehouse that Mark and Roger live in - I absolutely love it. It's big, it's spacious, but it's obviously crummy. I don't like the crummy part necessarily, but I love the apartment nonetheless.
I've actually always wanted to live in a big city warehouse apartment. I'm getting closer to that 'big city' part, but I have definitely not gotten the 'warehouse' part down yet.
I've realized that some of them are pretty expensive, but I guess I just gotta keep looking.

It's my goal - weird goal - to have one of those, someday. The one where the elevator has the lift door and all the ceilings are high and spacious. The one where the one wall to outside is all windows. The kind where you'll never feel cramped - regardless of how much furniture you have in there. The one apartment that is modern, chic, and different than anything I've lived in before.

I guess there's actually more than one movie/show that has those sort of apartments. But I want to live in one. Someday....

Different varieties of warehouse apartments:
Ghost Rider
The Ring
Rent
Made of Honor (I think his apartment is like that....??)

And many other examples.

But I really do want to live in a big city. One where I take the subway to work. One where there's always something going on. One where no one seems to sleep. One that you may never run into someone you know, but there's LOTS of possibilities to meet people. One that just always holds another surprise each day.

I'm not really working toward my goal. I had put these sort of goals on hold recently - and really I shouldn't have. I should never put my goals on hold, for any reason. I should always and continually be striving to meet them. Even if they are strange, even if they aren't sensible. They are still my goals and things I've always wanted. Dreams I've wanted to live. Now I need to make it happen. It will take time, it will be tough, but it is totally possible.
And when will there be a better time than now? Never. Now is the best time and the best opportunity!
So I need to 'grab the bull by the balls' (name that movie), reach for the stars, and make it happen.

Shouldn't - But going to...

A few of the other realizations I had the other nite. . .

If I don't plan it, I don't go.

Meaning, if I'm not the one making the event happen, I'm not doing anything. Strange how that works. You would think that since you invite people to do things, they would reciprocate. But that's just not really the case in my situation.
I went from always doing things, to not wanting to plan things, so not doing anything. Very strange, very annoying, very sad.


Another realization - girls are almost as frustrating as boys.

I've noticed that when I was close friends with a guy, there would always be a lot of people around. And there were certain girls that I knew had a liking for this guy, but didn't really try anything because they thought he was otherwise taken (altho no evidence truly portrayed that).
Of course she (more than just one) and I were friends and chit-chatted every time we saw each other. I thought we were friends.
But it turns out that when this guy wasn't really around, they weren't talking to me near as much (I didn't notice at the time).
And now that he's around, but quite obviously not interested in me at all, they almost never talk to me. It's as though they were only friends with me so that they could squeeze their cute little butts in between us and steal his attention away. So that they could get an in with him and then shove me out of the picture.

Well, girls, let me tell you something... I'm out of the picture.

I was never actually in the picture.

He was/is only friends with me like he was/is with you.
But now I at least know where your loyalties lie.
Or at least what your lust leads you to do.



I guess that boys are worse.
But only because they play your heartstrings until you never want them to stop the song - and then they break 'em and move on.

Rain

There were a couple of things that I came to the realization to last nite....

One of which being that rain will only happen during the day while I'm at work and cannot fully enjoy it.
It rained ALL day yesterday. "Oh, I'm sure it will rain all nite too" the guys kept telling me.

I got off work - no rain.
Went to the gym - no rain.
Went back home - no rain.
Watched the new show 'Fringe' - no rain.

I wanted to fall asleep listening to a rainstorm - that's all I wanted. But no rain, not even a drizzle. Or at least not until sometime late into the nite when I was completely incoherent and wouldn't have heard it anyway.

Perhaps some evening soon I will be able to enjoy the rain. It is soothing, relaxing and most enjoyable. Especially when wrapped up all snuggly and warm.
Hmmm . . . .

Go to a 'Gentlemen's Club'? Yeah, sure!!

Or at least that's what we ended up doing Monday nite on our way back to Raleigh from Knoxville.
Not intentionally.
Not willingly.
But when that's where the car dies, there's not much of a choice.
Yes - it's true.
My car had a light come on as we were entering Asheville. Long story short: we were trying to find an auto parts store to tell us what was wrong, missed a turn, were on the way back when the great little Saturn I have decided to just die. I was just barely able to coast into the parking lot of "The Trophy Club." Upon further inspection we realized it was a 'Gentlemens Club'.
And truly they were gentlemen, but what an awkward place for my car to just give up. Really? There?
So - we had a guy jumped the car, but it wouldn't hold the charge. Turns out the battery was bad and it made the alternator work harder.
Or as every person looked at it stated, "Yeah, the alternator is definitely SHOT." Lovely.
"Oh, but it's a pretty cheap part. And really easy to do."
"Yeah, but do you happen to have an alternator in your back pocket, cuz I certainly don't."
It was about 8-ish at nite when the car stopped. It's not like an auto parts store was open. We knew, we were racing to get there before they closed. No luck. So - even if it was easy to replace (each guy totally knew how), it's not like anyone had the parts or tools with them. We were stuck. I called the lucky AAA and they hooked me up with a tow.
But in the meantime, we really had to use the little girls' room. Where else to go, but inside the club. Off we went . . . It wasn't so bad. We didn't see anyone, luckily.
But since we had a lot of bags we had to have in the hotel (bag each girl, my laptops, and the food bag), we decided to just take a taxi. Man, did we feel like a couple of lost puppies.
A couple of the guys offered us a ride to the hotel, but we really felt more comfortable with a taxi driver. Although when he showed up, we were a bit hesitant. Not only was he a bit on the strange looking side, but his ride-along friend was apparently on some drugs. "I took 5 Vicadin (sp), so I'm ready for a fight," he said. Or something about taking a bunch of Vicadin (sp). I'm just glad he wasn't driving.
By the time we got to the hotel and checked in, I was ready to crash. Talk about stressful! We had hoped to be home in Raleigh, in our own beds, by 11-ish. Instead we were stuck in a hotel in Asheville with no around and a car we had to wait to get fixed. Ugh!! So much for work the next day... My car did get fixed - a few hundred dollars later - and we got home, finally! We thought we were never going to get there... But we did. And the car is running fine. Although, I'm definitely getting rid of it. I mean, hey, it has a new battery and alternator - that's good stuff!!

Darts - for four hours??

So - over Labor Day weekend, I went to Knoxville to visit family and friends.
We were home not even 20 mins before out the door we went again. We didn't get on the road quite fast enough when leaving Raleigh, so we had to make up for time by being quick on the getting ready. I'd have to say that we made some good time . . .
We met up with some friends at a karaoke place and then went and shook our booties for a bit. It was quite an entertaining evening though, I must say.
The next day we did the usual running around, doing errands, and just playing.
Saturday nite we went out, again, with some friends. We went to the 'Urban Bar &Corner Cafe' and had every intention to just be there for a short while until we went booty shakin' again.
Needless to say, we never left. We stayed at this particular bar for the entire nite. Playing darts, the jukebox, chatting, singing, a little bit of dancing, and really just having a great time. I honestly couldn't even begin to count how many games of darts were played, but it was a great time. The girls (individually and together) almost beat the guys in the number of times we won. Until the very end, when one of the guys beat us by one game.... MAN! And we were so close!!
Sunday and Monday were family days. Church, Boomsday Festival, and the lake. It was all good times. I don't live in Knoxville, but I very much enjoy visiting. There's nothing like going home for the weekend and getting to relax, yet feeling like I'm running from one thing to the next.

Do Rednecks have catalogs?

Because this group certainly looks like they're posing for one.


Photo was taken in a downtown parking garage in Knoxville while we were leaving the Boomsday festival and fireworks show.

These fine rednecks all just seemed to be posing on the truck, ready for a photo shoot. This picture isn't the best, but you get the idea. Quite entertaining, really.

It's amazing how many people - how many different kinds of people - show up to a fireworks show. Looking at this mass of people, there's every kind of personality type you could think of.

Preppy
Goth
High Class
Cowboy
White Trash
Snooty
High
Friendly
Raunchy
Rude
Careless
Pushy
Helpful
Kind

Another funny story . . .
Mom was smelling something odd while we were waiting for the show to start. Then she realized that it was that great smell of marijuana. Someone was 'smart' enough to bring their personal/illegal hobby with them and we were the lucky ones to sit close to them. Of course this is the time that you wished a police officer was around, if only to stop that 'wonderful' smell from becoming too strong and in your clothes.
Lo and behold - a Cop happened to have their nose open. So this great Officer of the law slowly walked back and forth above us on the sidewalk (we were on a slight decline of a hill).
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
The smell started to fade. Apparently these people also noticed the Officer and thought it best to no longer share their smell with everyone.
Thanks, officer!!

What a way to start the week . . .

Okay, okay. I'll post some happy blogs and some great pictures soon.

But first I just have to say that I have the WORST luck with my car, or maybe just cars in general.
Yesterday my air decided to not work, and then it works, and then it doesn't. It's like it can't make up it's mind of whether or not I deserve AC. I think I definitely do!!
And then this morning, before 8 AM, a hole was put in the front passenger tire. Maybe my driving is to blame. But i was just trying to stay close to the sidewalk (lots of traffic in the construction areas) and how was I to know that the storm drain had a sharp point sticking out. Yeah, I pulled up, heard a pop, and heard it spewing out air. I reversed a bit and when I got out - turns out there's a big gash in the tire.... Figures. Just my luck. If it's not one thing, it's another. . .

On a sidenote - Hurricane Hanna turned into only a tropical storm, but it gave us lots of rain to fall asleep to. I wanted to go play in the rain as my friend and I had talked about during the week, but plans changed and I just played in it on the back balcony for a little bit and then laid in bed listening to it for hours. It was great!

And I promise I'll update you on my great weekend in Knoxville....soon!

Wrong Side of the Bed

I started this day totally upset, sad, hurt, and broken.
I don't know why I dreamt about that. I guess it was an accumulation of things that have happened the past few weeks. And although I know it was a dream, it still hurts. It still makes me want to cry and go back to bed.
When you wake up wanting to cry, you know it probably won't be a good day.
The dream was so real and so possible, but not very probable. It wasn't one of those dreams where you go, "Yeah right! That could never happen." It was one of those dreams where you wake up going, "Dang. That could totally happen. But let's pray to the gods that it doesn't!!!" Because honestly, if it did ever happen, I would be completely crushed. I would really not know how to handle it and I'm not sure what I would do . . . .
Oh, Please!!! Don't let it ever be like that!!!

I had an amazing weekend and an interesting weekend. I will definitely be posting more about all of those. But not until later. I need to concentrate on work and get this dream out of my mind!!

Omigosh... please let me have dreamless sleep tonite. Please...