Used to - Can I go back?

I used to be a player.
I know that sounds odd. But there were plenty of times in my life when I was with one guy or more and we had our good times without any emotion being involved. I didn't have any problem with it. I enjoyed it. And - this is terrible - I usually didn't feel bad if the guy ended up liking me and I didn't feel the same.
Somehow, somewhere, I started to get emotions involved with things. What the hell?!?! I would much prefer spending time with these male friends, whether kissing is involved or not, and just enjoy it. Not worry about whether he cares about me, if I care about him, is it going to go somewhere, is it not, does it matter?
Yet - it does. Maybe not right away, but eventually things start to change. Sometimes for the better - but in my case it's usually for the worse. How do I change that? How do I go back to being care-free and not think about it?
Is it the age? Is it the fact that I don't want to be single forever? What changed? And how do I get back the carefree, thoughtless days of before??

Eye Candy

I am a candy addict. But I really like the Eye Candy. I would prefer if it was more of an interaction, but candy is good too! And what a better way to start the day than with good-smelling eye candy?
I was at the gas station - of all random places - getting my morning fix and he was in line checking out. Mmmmm!!!
He looked at me. Saw him looking at me twice. But is that a good thing? Or was it more of looking at me cuz I was one of 'those' kind of girls? It's hard to tell.
But then I walked up to the counter as he left and BOY did he smell good!!
What a nice way to start the day!! Now I just need to learn to say, "Hello" and "Good Morning" to people. Then maybe I'll make new friends.
As I read last nite:
Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.
I would've been okay with that cutie as my friend!!

Feeling Girly

Strangely - looking at my background makes me want to do some cute, fun, girly scrapbooking pages. And maybe some really cute crafty things. I'm not sure if it's the colors, design or just that I haven't done it in awhile, but I'm really in the mood to do so.....

I want to get all dressed up cute and girly too.
Is that weird?

Calories - What are those?

I find it humorous that people who eat or drink certain things, count calories.
Counting calories when drinking beer is like eating fat-free twinkies - it just doesn't work.
Why bother counting the calories if you're going to drink/eat it anyway?? Don't even waste the time pretending like it makes a difference. If it mattered to you that much, you wouldn't partake of it.
I don't think about it. I probably should - especially since I've been gaining a lot of weight. But I don't and I'm okay with that. If I want to make a difference, then I'll start an exercise regimen. But counting calories and denying myself things I enjoy - not going to happen.

Name

My last name has always - or almost always - been pronounced wrong. I'm not sure why it's so difficult to figure out, but it is. And I'm very used to correcting people about it. But I think that from now on I will use an alias.
'An alias? But why? Doesn't that take away from your great family name?'
Absolutely it doesn't! I obviously still have to use my legal name for every legal document and such. But for anything else I will use an alias.
No reason trying to get someone to not pronounce my name wrong, or ask me if I know anyone from some random show that has the same name as me - when really they are saying the last name all wrong.
It happened once - in a pizza place when they were late getting my order done. And the guy kept chatting to me about my last name. HELLO!! Don't care and not sure if I could've given you any more vibes of "don't talk to me, I don't care what you have to say." I had no idea what he was talking about when he was asking me if I was related to some random realtor or something who had an ad on TV in the early 90's who he thought I was related to when we had completely different last names. How many times do I need to repeat my last name for you to understand me? Really....??
Thus I am choosing an alias for everything other than legalities.
Can I go by an alias when meeting random people at the bar and stuff too??

Don't Eat and Talk on the Phone

It's inevitable. Everytime I take a bite or have my mouth full of something - took a big swig of a drink, big bite of the sandwich or something - and the phone rings.
The other day at work it happened just about every time I took a bite. If it were my personal phone, it wouldn't matter. I would've answered anyway and my friends/family would have dealt with it. But when it's a work matter - not good.
I think I got away with having food in my mouth and not being noticed - but why does it seem that everytime you take a bite you hear that ring-ring-ring of the phone??
Does that happen to anyone else?
What else seems to happen everytime you do something?

A whole separate blog of Dreams

I could seriously start a whole separate blog of dreams. I could write a book about them. I could have a whole different life with them.
If you've ever read my previous blogs about dreams - you know I dream almost every nite. I don't enjoy it all the time. It can be pretty interesting and like the dream the other nite, exhilarating.
Last nite was just strange. I blame Facebook for the people that were in it. I think it was just a reliving - but a different living - of high school. I was young, yet as myself now, and had all the people that I went to high school with surrounding me and the activities we did.
It was nice 'seeing' them again - but weird that it had no current people or friends. And especially since I haven't actually talked to a lot of the people that were in the dream - thus I blame Facebook cuz I probably saw them. haha.
But even though I can write a whole book on some dreams, start a completely separate blog, etc, I will not be writing them all the time. Nor will I be starting a separate blog about dreams. They are usually too hard to explain. And I don't want to attempt it just to sound completely crazy. haha!

Death by a Dream

I was quite literally running for my life all nite. There was this . . . thing. Not quite human, but not a monster. He looked and acted fairly human. (I believe he may have actually taken over my friend's body . . . )
I was attending a big social gathering, although I knew I was in danger, I had to go. While there, I acted as though everything was normal and I was not worried about my life. Yet I started to feel strange - not sure if I was drugged, or he was starting to control me. So I casually, yet quickly, made my escape without letting others know why I was leaving.
Then at another point I had locked myself into a room. I needed some people to help me cuz I could not leave. One person betrayed me - but not by their own choice. And there were others who were trying to help, were concerned and on my side, but I could not trust them. I could not let them in. I told them to just go away - friends that I've known for years. But they would just be in danger and I would not be able to have them around.
I could not get away from him and everyone was an enemy.
I don't remember how things ended or specific details (I've been awake too long) but I do remember almost waking up in fright a few times. And quite literally scared and running for my life the majority of the nite.
It was exciting and exhilarating - but definitely not a good nite's sleep.
(This was definitely not the full details, nor all of the dream - but it gives the idea.)

I go through a lot of Cameras

It seems like after every adventure or two (sometimes three) I have to get a new camera. (I don't spend a lot on my cameras, which is good. It's just something to take a basic picture with.)
And I think that this process of going through cameras can be compared to relationships - for some people.
You purchase a shiny, new, fun camera. You use it ALL the time. It's always there and ready to capture the moment with you.
But then something happens. Or a few things happen and it just isn't working quite as nice anymore. So then you can't rely on it for everything. It misses the good shots. It's just not working as well as it should.
You decide to get something new. Throwing away the first one is not really an option just yet. You keep it around for the random adventure that you don't want the new one to get hurt participating in - using it just a little bit. But eventually the old one just gets ignored more and more. And finally gets completely discarded - never thought about again.
Get, use, abuse, toss aside - ocassionally using again, but ultimately going for the newer model.